‘On Domestic violence’
The process; early signs that a partner is an abuser
The abuser belittles his or her victim
the deconstructing of the victim’s self esteem is the abuser’s obsession
Isolation of their victim is the next obsession
The victim is cut off from their friends and family
They are denied the social and sporting activities
which held their interest and reenergized them before
The process of abuse is to eventually put the victim in a psychological place of insecurity
And poor self esteem
Once this is achieved the physical abuse escalates
Often to the point of eventual regular physical abuse
Sadly for some, murder of the victim
It is important to understand how subtle the process is
The abuser comes up with loving excuses as to why they verbally abuse the victim,
“I care about you, don’t want you to make embarrassing mistakes in public, etc”
Rational for isolation,
“I love you and want to spend more time with you alone but you always want to go by your parent, friends, work social functions, etc. we not getting time for ourselves”
“outside there is dangerous, social activities takes away our quality time with us alone, you could hurt yourself in sports if you get hit in the wrong place”
Rational for physical abuse,
“I love you, I lost my cool/temper, better I beat you than somebody out there…learn from me and be obedient to me and it would not happen again, etc.”
The process is so subtle the victims only realizes they are victim of abuse when the process is far gone
If there are children involved in the relationship especially if the children belong to the victim and not the abuser, the victim is also isolated from the children. Children have the capacity to preserve abuse of their parent quite accurately. Therefore, the abuser sees isolating the children from the victim as crucial to the success of their abuse. Children are often abused in domestic abusive families
Rules to live by:
A potential victim or actual victim cannot fix an abuser that is for God and the abuser to sort out
The first signs of abuse are clear enough signs to leave the abuser. The longer one stays the more the abuser feels he or she ‘owns’ the victim thus making it harder to escape the abuse
Both victim and abuser are victim and need professional and spiritual help. Promises to change are never good enough and ought not to be accepted. Such promises are made by the abuser when they suspect the victim has made up their minds to end the relationship. It is wisdom to plot your escape in secret. Do not change patterns of functioning in the house, such changes tend to gave away the plan.
Bottom line is to get out before it is too late
Finally, abuse affects the children caught up in the abuse between parents. The actions of the parents model for the children thus likely to produce the extremes on the number line of becoming abusers themselves and or becoming victims of abuse among many other psychological effects. Of course some children escape either side of the number line and appear quite socially normal depending on how that is socially classified conservatively or radically, or the middle way of social existence/s.
Oh one more note, should a victim decides to leave a domestically abusive relationship, note strongly that all material possessions are not worth dying for. Those can always, through hard work and faith, be replaced. Let it be a norm to reduce suspicion to have important documents well organized, perhaps even in a bank safe. Not that even official documents and ID cards can be replaced. For those who may live in lovely rich houses better to live in a small warm space than a cold and ugly status symbol house, rich vehicle, etc. with time you may be able to purchase a nice house again. Too many women in big shot communities being abused but do not want to leave it all. In the public spaces they act, they wear mask. Domestic violence is nasty business with no respecter of colour, creed, class, etc. wealth may make it easier to mask the reality of being an abuser or an abused person
Sankofa m f o m Tuzinde
Sankofa Foundation for Victims of Domestic Violence
www.sankofatuzinde.com
22nd July 2015
The process; early signs that a partner is an abuser
The abuser belittles his or her victim
the deconstructing of the victim’s self esteem is the abuser’s obsession
Isolation of their victim is the next obsession
The victim is cut off from their friends and family
They are denied the social and sporting activities
which held their interest and reenergized them before
The process of abuse is to eventually put the victim in a psychological place of insecurity
And poor self esteem
Once this is achieved the physical abuse escalates
Often to the point of eventual regular physical abuse
Sadly for some, murder of the victim
It is important to understand how subtle the process is
The abuser comes up with loving excuses as to why they verbally abuse the victim,
“I care about you, don’t want you to make embarrassing mistakes in public, etc”
Rational for isolation,
“I love you and want to spend more time with you alone but you always want to go by your parent, friends, work social functions, etc. we not getting time for ourselves”
“outside there is dangerous, social activities takes away our quality time with us alone, you could hurt yourself in sports if you get hit in the wrong place”
Rational for physical abuse,
“I love you, I lost my cool/temper, better I beat you than somebody out there…learn from me and be obedient to me and it would not happen again, etc.”
The process is so subtle the victims only realizes they are victim of abuse when the process is far gone
If there are children involved in the relationship especially if the children belong to the victim and not the abuser, the victim is also isolated from the children. Children have the capacity to preserve abuse of their parent quite accurately. Therefore, the abuser sees isolating the children from the victim as crucial to the success of their abuse. Children are often abused in domestic abusive families
Rules to live by:
A potential victim or actual victim cannot fix an abuser that is for God and the abuser to sort out
The first signs of abuse are clear enough signs to leave the abuser. The longer one stays the more the abuser feels he or she ‘owns’ the victim thus making it harder to escape the abuse
Both victim and abuser are victim and need professional and spiritual help. Promises to change are never good enough and ought not to be accepted. Such promises are made by the abuser when they suspect the victim has made up their minds to end the relationship. It is wisdom to plot your escape in secret. Do not change patterns of functioning in the house, such changes tend to gave away the plan.
Bottom line is to get out before it is too late
Finally, abuse affects the children caught up in the abuse between parents. The actions of the parents model for the children thus likely to produce the extremes on the number line of becoming abusers themselves and or becoming victims of abuse among many other psychological effects. Of course some children escape either side of the number line and appear quite socially normal depending on how that is socially classified conservatively or radically, or the middle way of social existence/s.
Oh one more note, should a victim decides to leave a domestically abusive relationship, note strongly that all material possessions are not worth dying for. Those can always, through hard work and faith, be replaced. Let it be a norm to reduce suspicion to have important documents well organized, perhaps even in a bank safe. Not that even official documents and ID cards can be replaced. For those who may live in lovely rich houses better to live in a small warm space than a cold and ugly status symbol house, rich vehicle, etc. with time you may be able to purchase a nice house again. Too many women in big shot communities being abused but do not want to leave it all. In the public spaces they act, they wear mask. Domestic violence is nasty business with no respecter of colour, creed, class, etc. wealth may make it easier to mask the reality of being an abuser or an abused person
Sankofa m f o m Tuzinde
Sankofa Foundation for Victims of Domestic Violence
www.sankofatuzinde.com
22nd July 2015
RSS Feed
