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MENTAL HEALTH MATTERS
Confronting the shame of sexual abuse
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Caroline C Ravello
Published: 
Wednesday, February 24, 2016

The treachery of sexual abuse is in the shame it instils in the victims. Here is a crime unique in its ability to cause more guilt in the victim than perpetrator. And because sexual abuse of any nature: incest, rape, molestation are shamed-filled violations of intimacy, both factors contribute to the silence we sustain.
The Encyclopaedia of Psychology describes sexual abuse as “unwanted sexual activity, with perpetrators using force, making threats, or taking advantage of victims not able to give consent. Most victims and perpetrators know each other.” 
It says, “Immediate reactions to sexual abuse include shock, fear or disbelief. Long-term symptoms include anxiety, fear or post-traumatic stress disorder. While efforts to treat sex offenders remain unpromising, psychological interventions for survivors—especially group therapy—appears effective.”
I’ve learned the shame is not only that of the abused and that silence is promoted by those who are proximate to the crime, also.
In an interesting conversation, I had a first-hand opportunity to observe the reactions of two siblings to the alleged crime of incest/molestation/ rape. In a candid moment, one sister declared that though she speaks with her mother, she’s still praying to be able to forgive her. 
Immediately upon her statement, the younger of the two became extremely agitated, rose up from her seat and stepped away, and with her back turned, declared with mixed anger, anxiety, and defensiveness, “Mommy did the best she could have done for us.”
“That’s easy for you to say because you did not have to go through what I did,” said the elder sister who seemed bent on telling me her story.
What I think made it worse for the younger sister was the fact that they had only just met me in a social gathering. We three had ended up together because we wanted more air and moved almost simultaneously to an area and 
began chatting.
The elder sister told me their stepfather sexually abused her and that she thought her mother knew but said and did nothing. By age 13, having gone through the abuse for almost five years she felt she could no longer deal with it. She was quietly embarrassed around her schoolmates and felt as a misfit.
She also felt more certain about the inappropriateness and decided to approach her mother for an intervention. That did not go well. She was labelled as ungrateful for accusing her stepfather after all he had done to ensure she had a “good” home.
She said, as far as she knows, her mother never confronted the adult male but instead pressured her to “shut up” and shamed her, throwing words and belittling her for any and everything, thereafter. 
As she shared her story, she reassured herself that she had found a relationship with God and that he was healing her anger. She has never had a professional intervention. You can well imagine that she’s a broken spirit.
Meanwhile, her younger sister is now by the road, out of earshot, and she whispered, “I think he get her, too, but she denies it and never wants to talk or hear me talk about it.”
Midway through the “confessional” the younger of the two had stormed off with a string of sentences thrown back at us. I did not hear everything but some of what was clear went like this:- 
“You always have to be talking about things nobody eh want to hear… blaming Mammie for trying to doing her best with us… Why you just can’t keep your stories to yourself… nobody never prove anything you ever said was true…You should really learn when and where to open your mouth and try and stop bad-mouthing Mammie…”
Quite a lot of times sexual abuse is committed when children cannot articulate their feelings, when they are still unsure what they should feel, and are told by the trusted offending (mostly) adult that it’s okay to do the act once they keep it to themselves. 
It’s mostly in adulthood that people open up about childhood sexual abuse, by which time some have recovered and are able to live a better-adjusted life, while others carry psychological and psychiatric detriments of varying intensity.
A lot of the emotions are realised retrospectively as the child becomes adult with a better understanding of right and wrong and is emboldened to speak out. And often, the shame experienced by other family members causes rifts among relatives and the survivor. But that shame really belongs to the perpetrator.
That vulnerability of the child is still the best reason for T&Ts to create proper childhood interventions policies/ programmes, if we are to begin healing our injured population.
Psychology Today says, “The trauma that results from sexual abuse is a syndrome that affects not just the victim and their family, but all of our society. Because sexual abuse, molestation and rape are such shame-filled concepts, our culture tends to suppress information about them.” (www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/ 201303/trauma-childhood-sexual-abuse).
• Caroline C Ravello is a strategic communications and media practitioner with over 30 years of proficiency. She holds an MA in Mass Communications and is pursuing the MSc in Public Health (MPH) from the UWI. She has been living/thriving with mental health issues for over 35 years.
(Copied on line, Trinidad and Tobago Guardian Newspapers, 2nd June 2016, http://www.classifieds.guardian.co.tt/lifestyle/2016-02-24/confronting-shame-sexual-abuse)

‘IN 2016 THE WAVE’
this still takes place in 2016 although females have made headway in education, professional work, holders of mega wealth (money and real estate). then why are they still controlled, abused and killed at a high rate? why the things they own are still possessed and controlled by the males in their lives? why do they still have to go to their homes and do house work, why are too many of them as 'wives' legal or common still raped? why is there a rise in rough hard core abusive women on men? why it appears that some feminist, womenist, genderist are tyrannical on some males thus going against what they had set out to address on behalf of women and girls?
one thing is clear. no work to address women and girls' social justice issues can be effectively done without equal consideration for work to address men and boys' social justice issues. women and men always link up for relationship, marriage, collaborative work, etc. therefore, it stands to reason great efforts ought to be spent to address men and boys' issues, the socialization of both males and females are imperative.
whether females are in the public sphere or not there is something in the psycho-social reality that still have females under threat by males regardless of how educated, materially secure, job status, etc. they are.
socialization with emphasis on social equality and equity is needed urgently. too many professional women will confess not much has changed with how they are treated and perceived and under servitude to males who are always socially held as superior.
when males can respect females’ communicative 'NO' whether verbally or in action and attitudinal response to males' request then we heading somewhere good in male female relations when females’ right to ‘freedom’ and the liberty to exercise choices within that freedom to the point that prudence is celebrated as a tenant of ‘freedom’. When language or human communications are inclusive of gender equality and equity. Then we would be seeing improvement.
Now males have a responsibility and must always be held accountable for their actions of any level of abuse against females but I want to urge female that the is a wisdom in them exercising prudence. Remember, females are significant nurturers of males and females. Females need to revisit the ways they reinforces gender roles and behaviours which contribute to both male and female young human beings perpetuating old male ideologies of the male supremacy codes otherwise referred to as the patriarchal system. In many ways females contribute to maintaining the patriarchal system even when it seems that for some of them the effort was to liberate females. Would they admit at some of them in their efforts do just what they are against and fighting for? More and more it is apparent that some women are inciting and perpetuating gender violence.
Part of the discourse must include female violence against females and female violence and oppression against males. A significant number of families are destroyed by women fighting wives for their husband. Did we not try to end that? i.e. men fighting men for their wives. There is a rise in women setting up men to be responsible for fathering a child. There are many men paying maintenance for children that are not theirs some of these men are even sitting in jail. The list can go on. Does this not contribute to creating bitter angry males. I know one male who was told as a youth do not get married as a result a hand full of children are fatherless or raised my men who are not their biological fathers.
When Sankofa Foundation for Victims of Domestic violence was formed it was to assist women who are in domestic violent situations. In my naïve, I did not think that some males were being abused in the domestic context. I have since extended the work of the foundation to counsel perpetrators of violence male and female. I also recognize that the number of males being abused by female is more real that we would want to imagine.
Last point I want to raise is the fact that some females who think they cannot win a fight with a male taunt and verbally abuse some males. What is the product of such attitude and response; More angry human beings, males and females, young and old?
Although there is still wage disparity one can see the material advancement of the women and the increase of access and education of females. A long way to go still however, women and girls are still being abused all round and even brutally killed, WHY?
Michael Francis Grandison
8th March 2016
Marking International Women’s Day
In memory of Jennifer Hunte-Madlum brutally murdered around the 18th May 2015
And Marcia Henville brutally murdered and burnt on 26th January 2015
Both top professional women. Both highly educated, both owners of real assets
Both representing the many women and girls abused and brutally killed in human history
Both represent the many more women and girls being abused in every manner of ways in domestic violence whose situation risk ending an a brutal death. 
Will these deaths and ongoing abuse of women and girls continue or be allowed to continue by the politics we play?
In recognition of all the NGOs and other interest groups who work selflessly to contribute towards the ending of domestic violence by way of research and praxis
In recognition of all the feminist, genderist, womenist, and men’s waves working toward gender equality, equity and justice.
Sankofa Foundation for Victims of Domestic Violence Republic of Trinidad and Tobago
www.sankofatuzinde.com
Success cannot be meaningful if all seeking change fight against one another but seek to collaborate for the common interest and good.


Woman's domestic abuse story goes viral
The woman, who claims to be the wife of the owner of a popular auto shop says she has been the victim of domestic violence for the last 12 years....
LOOPTT.COM
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‘On Domestic violence’

The process; early signs that a partner is an abuser

The abuser belittles his or her victim

the deconstructing of the victim’s self esteem is the abuser’s obsession

Isolation of their victim is the next obsession

The victim is cut off from their friends and family

They are denied the social and sporting activities

 which held their interest and reenergized them before

The process of abuse is to eventually put the victim in a psychological place of insecurity

And poor self esteem

Once this is achieved the physical abuse escalates

Often to the point of eventual regular physical abuse

Sadly for some, murder of the victim

It is important to understand how subtle the process is

The abuser comes up with loving excuses as to why they verbally abuse the victim,

“I care about you, don’t want you to make embarrassing mistakes in public, etc”

Rational for isolation,

“I love you and want to spend more time with you alone but you always want to go by your parent, friends, work social functions, etc. we not getting time for ourselves”

“outside there is dangerous, social activities takes away our quality time with us alone, you could hurt yourself in sports if you get hit in the wrong place”

Rational for physical abuse,

“I love you, I lost my cool/temper, better I beat you than somebody out there…learn from me and be obedient to me and it would not happen again, etc.”

The process is so subtle the victims only realizes they are victim of abuse when the process is far gone

If there are children involved in the relationship especially if the children belong to the victim and not the abuser, the victim is also isolated from the children. Children have the capacity to preserve abuse of their parent quite accurately. Therefore, the abuser sees isolating the children from the victim as crucial to the success of their abuse. Children are often abused in domestic abusive families

Rules to live by:

A potential victim or actual victim cannot fix an abuser that is for God and the abuser to sort out

The first signs of abuse are clear enough signs to leave the abuser. The longer one stays the more the abuser feels he or she ‘owns’ the victim thus making it harder to escape the abuse

Both victim and abuser are victim and need professional and spiritual help. Promises to change are never good enough and ought not to be accepted. Such promises are made by the abuser when they suspect the victim has made up their minds to end the relationship. It is wisdom to plot your escape in secret. Do not change patterns of functioning in the house, such changes tend to gave away the plan.

Bottom line is to get out before it is too late

Finally, abuse affects the children caught up in the abuse between parents. The actions of the parents model for the children thus likely to produce the extremes on the number line of becoming abusers themselves and or becoming victims of abuse among many other psychological effects. Of course some children escape either side of the number line and appear quite socially normal depending on how that is socially classified conservatively or radically, or the middle way of social existence/s.

Oh one more note, should a victim decides to leave a domestically abusive relationship, note strongly that all material possessions are not worth dying for. Those can always, through hard work and faith, be replaced. Let it be a norm to reduce suspicion to have important documents well organized, perhaps even in a bank safe. Not that even official documents and ID cards can be replaced. For those who may live in lovely rich houses better to live in a small warm space than a cold and ugly status symbol house, rich vehicle, etc. with time you may be able to purchase a nice house again. Too many women in big shot communities being abused but do not want to leave it all. In the public spaces they act, they wear mask. Domestic violence is nasty business with no respecter of colour, creed, class, etc. wealth may make it easier to mask the reality of being an abuser or an abused person

Sankofa m f o m Tuzinde

Sankofa Foundation for Victims of Domestic Violence

www.sankofatuzinde.com

22nd July 2015

Today March 8th 2015 International Women’s Day

And so I think of the many around the world who are being abused and killed virtually every minute if not seconds. Why, why, why? What is in the minds of both women and men that allows for the difference in gender equality and equity? Who or what in our human system tells and gives men and boys power and control over women and girls and who or what tell women and girls that they are to accept and allow these gender inequalities and inequities? Women have risen in education, in professional jobs, in owning real estates and other major material assets, yet they are still controlled, abused and killed.

We can mark the achievements of women and girls which is good and ought to be celebrated but it must not cause us to sleep as too many women and girls are still being abused and killed off because they are independent in one way or another. What is the real problem? Women holding higher education, be professional, having significant material assets have not solved the problems they face daily at the hand of men and boys.

The training of both boys and girls ought to be analyzed. What are boys and girls taught at home, in their communities, their school, etc. what is demonstrated or modeled to them?

Today I reflect on an often over looked reality. I think of the many elderly women who have worked hard only to have the significant males in their lives, especially worthless sons slow kill them for their houses and lands. Many of our elderly women are being abused for what they worked hard for. They cannot enjoy their retirement and live in fear every day. How do we work with men and boys to reduce and eventually rid our societies of gender social ills. That is the question.

So I would say have a reflective and prayerfully proactive international women’s day EVERYONE!!!.

I particularly pray for one retired school principal who celebrated one hundred years recently. Now bed ridden, I am sure now grieving her proud upright posture and high heel strides, grieving her proud achievement once prominent on her living room wall but was taken down by her “apple of her eye son” I pray and think of her as she silently suffers. I pray for the many friends and family who have been run from her life by this particular son. I pray for the young grands and great grands who may learn from him how to get house and land. I pray for all of us sinners who do not treat our mothers and grandmothers with the love and respect, care and comfort they deserve in the diamond years of their lives

For our women and girls we pray liberation this day of reflection, prayer and activism for women and girls the world over. 

http://abc7chicago.com/462246/, (Copied online 7th January 2015, 8:40am)

'Because i am a man'


So what do we teach our boys? 

Do boys get a sense that girls are their toys?

When does it becomes clear

that boys and girls are equal

and each are to respect the other?

when does play transform

to real fight and abuse

and girls are in fright and often want to take flight,

and girls are used as pleasure toys

 for boys and men as

objects of possession,

utility for servant-hood,

slavery,

Misogynistic show offs

 to other men

and taming of the Strew

has nothing to do with anything wrong with Catherine

but rather all the men and boys around her

their training as boys and men

always without a glow

of equal respect

they often act without regret

and women and girls learn to accept

thinking that’s the way things ought to be

a gender process

of taming of  the Strew

the reasons untrue

male and female

are equal

let all know

by your email

sent to all the world

sankofa m f o m tuzinde

7th January 2015

Encouraging gender equality

and equity